I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
