I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just had sex bonerless
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
