capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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