I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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