Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
