My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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