Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
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Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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