I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
