True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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