There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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