I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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