I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
