my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
