so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
