Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
