I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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