I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
