K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
