Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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