Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
