Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
