my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
