one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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