Yo dont text me then not text me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
