smell my finger.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
