All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
