Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
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I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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