I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We have so much sex to catch up on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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