i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have tasted many bathrooms
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
