I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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