Moan for me like Helen Keller
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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