im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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