my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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