fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
