my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize