he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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