it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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