i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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