this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
