I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You ruined the universe
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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