4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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