Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
