She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
