You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
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I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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