Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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