trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's never too late to be topless.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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