I could make wine with my vomit
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
