If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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