I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
