i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
