oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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