So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
