I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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