Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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