i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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