Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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