I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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