i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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