you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
