there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
