If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
