It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
