where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
