between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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