I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
