I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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